Mike Pictor

There seems to be a trend going around…to reflect on what polyamory means to us…so here are my thoughts.

I don’t like labels. I don’t like a set of criteria whereby I can say monogamy = X and poly = Y. The way I see it, even monogamous people…are poly, they just wouldn’t ever use that label. What is poly but multiple relationships, multiple loves? Ok, ask a monogamous person whether they have a best friend. Not everyone will, but many will have one, two, many friends, a network of people they feel close to, people they might rely on, people they would share their thoughts with, cry with, party with, and in many cases…love. This person might call themselves monogamous, yet they most manifestly have many relationships, and quite possibly many loves.

So what’s the difference. Ok, granted, they probably don’t have sex with them, they probably don’t french kiss, they may or may not kiss at all…they probably hug, maybe not, maybe you share personal thoughts, or rely on them in times of crisis…maybe not. There is some line, rooted in physical and/or emotional intimacy, a line they use to define some barrier in which their monogamy is rooted. Ok, fair enough, it’s a boundary, and people are entitled to their boundaries. But any healthy relationship has established boundaries….including any poly relationship. My boundary is possibly wider in scope than the boundaries of a stereotypical monogamous person, I see nothing morally wrong with a closer physical or emotional intimacy, even sex with people other than my wife, but the placement of that boundary is not what defines me as poly.

Here then is what I think poly is. It is the lack of assumptions that a boundary must exist at a pre-defined level. The boundaries of a relationship will exist, but I do not assume they must exist at this point or that point. I decide for myself, and in consultation with whomever I am trying to determine my boundary. Granted, boundaries still tend to default to certain levels until conversation can be had to move them, society has still given us certain defaults that we use so we can function with the dozens or hundreds of people we interact with, but the idea that those boundaries *can* be shifted, and the awareness that shifting them is not inherently wrong, is what makes me poly. Conversely, monogamy is the feeling that there is a line, and that it can only be flexed for one person. Personally….I don’t see why that line has to be so static, and so inpenetrable.

Every one of you has multiple relationships….dozens maybe. It’s possible you only describe one of them as intimate, but aren’t hugs intimacy? Doesn’t sharing a personal secret with a friend count as emotional intimacy? Yes, yes, certainly less intimate than say…a kiss, but as I say, there is the boundaries discussion.

To each their boundaries, and to each their many and varied relationships. To the monogamists out thre, you know what your boundaries are, and that’s great, so long as everyone feels secure and comfortable.